So boom, I was at my friends wedding, eating my second piece of cake. I had on a pair of textured velvet pants (that I had made for a fashion line) with a vinyl embellished button up and a sheer athletic cut shirt. I looked down at the leather chucks I was wearing and then caught the eyes of the beautiful bride. She was so happy and that warmth resonated in the back of my mind.
As I was leaving the event with my extra slices of cake and a few beers, I thought, “Damn, It‘s too bad you wont ever get married… I bet the cake would be phenomenal.”
A week later, the conversation of Marriage came up again on a zoom call. My friends assured me that one day it’d happen for me. Even with their affirmations, I still couldn’t imagine anything but my cake.
Why was I not able to set a tangible reality that revolved around marriage? I was able to picture the attire which would consist of red bottom loafers, a custom lace blazer, and everyone in attendance wearing their wedding gowns; but I wasn’t able to see myself walking down the aisle with anyone.
While laying in bed on my zoom call, I looked over to the empty space next to me and knew If I wanted that empty space permanently filled, I’d have to let go of my inner voice that kept whispering “Marriage is not for you.”
Through out my life, I’ve heard many people dismiss my apprehensions of marriage as a result of the promiscuity and lack of monogamy that most think exist overwhelmingly in the LGBTQ+ lifestyle. I’ve held on to comments like, “Gay relationships end as quick as they start,” or, “Everyone just wants to sleep with everyone.” I’ve even heard a few people joke, “There’s just too many choices out there to pick just one.”
However, I would like to introduce a new point of view to why gay marriage is a growing trend and not a booming trend in the LGBTQ+ community. Gay marriage has not reached its potential in our community, because it has not always been accessible to us.
The fight for same sex marriage dates back as early as 1970s. While the fight for legally binding recognition started in the 70’s, the first documented/licensed gay marriage didn’t occur until 2004. This means that the majority of the LGBTQ millennials grew up without the option and hope for marriage.
While the law set is a very conscious awareness of commitment opportunity in the Gay community, our surroundings reinforced that awareness on a subconscious level.
I remember back in school watching the popular girls play this game called MASH. MASH was an acronym for (M)ansion (A)partment (S)hack (H)ouse. It was a fun
game that predicted your living destination, who you’d be married to, and more based on process of elimination. I sat on the sideline watching and knowing my chances for a complete slice of the American pie was a long reach. So I went through Middle School and High School not allowing myself to have crushes on anyone because I figured it’d be a waste of time.
In a study done by Shane J. Lopez Ph.D. of Psycology Today, he concluded that a lot of people thought that “…hope was a gift of the mind that builds on information…”
The girls didn’t realize that the mindless games they played were helping shape their ideas and hopes. I would sneak and play the game by myself, adding all the cute boys and hoping that I wouldn’t live in a shack. Then I’d tear that paper up and take it to the trash can. While the girls were able to shamelessly express in a positive environment, feeding their hopes; I was tearing apart and throwing away my ideas and hopes for love. I hadn’t been given any hopes of marriage in my future and I adapted to a life that was marriage-less.
The lack of opportunity, Church, Family, the American Dream, even the games we played as kids all echoed the fact that marriage and happily ever after was not for the LGBTQ community.
Today’s society reflect many advances in the rights for publicly expressing and legally declaring our love for one another. However, Just as it took many years to gain access to the beauty of “Till Death Do We Part,” it will take time for a lot of us to break down the barriers that have been placed over our commitment valves.
The younger generations are now able to subconsciously manifest romantic aspirations because the things that were not accessible to us, are now accessible to them. So if you are anything like me, the next time you over hear someone making snide remarks about aging and being alone, or the next time your inner voice tells you something that a meaningful and lifelong love is not for you, think about what knowledge and tools your were given to build that voice, and then throw it all away!
We all deserve the hope for exclaiming at the top of our cakes that we love whoever it is we choose. We deserve for that love to be recognized and respected. I was able to accept that marriage is within my reach. I can feel the love of my life moving closer into my orbit… My only hope now is that my love manifests before this body falls out of shape and into the shape of a circle…..Because I love cake!
#Nowplaying Jon B- I Do (Watcha Say Boo)